Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Aliens leave Signs of Vagina Worship

Strange formations, that were once believed to be natural, have been found to have extraterrestrial origins. SETI (a scientific institute that "Searches for Extraterrestrial Intelligence") released a statement confirming the findings on Monday June 27.

A SETI researcher stated at a press conference in Roswell, New Mexico, "It is clear that there is not only definitive evidence that alien life exists but that these galactic beings are intelligent and, even more astoundingly, are goddess worshippers. Anthropologists have long believed that before the priests, before the brahmins, before the structures built by men was the vagina. It is not hard to fathom that our much more ancient and wise galactic cousins would themselves be worshippers of the yoni... and may have even planted the seeds for our own human traditions of goddess adulation."

The larger implications of this discovery have been enumerated by tantric yogis the world over. As one tantrika stated, "It is clear that these "yoni crop circles" are ancient, thereby solidifying the celestial origin of the vagina as not only a pre-historic reality but also an inter-galactic portal for awakening."

Sex guru, David Deida, released a statement saying, "In modern times we know that a longing to worship a "cave with lips" is not born from a regressive impulse to return to a state of pre-consciousness but is actually a longing to enter the portal of awakening... the male longs to unite with his source. Alien consciousness would be much more in tune with this absolute truth than they're much more primitive cousins, i.e. us."

In the words of Susan B. Anthony, "If the world was ruled by human beings longing to enter the sacred vagina we would have no war, no famine, no more corrupt governments. We would be free of strife and conflict. It is precisely because we are a culture that does not value vaginal penetration that we are in the mess we are in."

Christians have championed this discovery stating, "Anal sex has come to predominate the popular consciousness. Christ is speaking through these vaginal formations to declare the importance of traditional marriage." Even tantrikas have come on board with this message. The famed tantric master, Guruji, wrote in an email to the Boston Globe, "the goddess disdains anal sex."

Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton said in a formal address, "We must respond appropriately to our wise elder cousins of the universe. If we had a culture that positioned the vagina as the motivation for young men to make money, contribute rap music, art, and buy expensive things our economy would immediately recover. If sentient beings strived to achieve great things in pursuit of the yoni the world would not only be a better place, all conflict would cease and we would enter a state of utopia."

President Barrack Obama said in response, "The yoni is our doorway to a more perfect union. Jai Ma!"

Monday, June 20, 2011

Pattabhi Jois was a Yogi Pimp!

In Mysore, India, students of the late yoga master, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, discovered his private journals. The Ashtanga Yoga Institute plans on posthumously publishing these notes, accrued over the guru's lifetime, in early spring of next year.

Along with B.K.S. Iyengar, Mr. Jois, formed the cornerstone of American yoga practice. It is for this reason that these journals, discovered after the guru's death, have proven so controversial.

Amidst these posthumous revelations about the private life of one of contemporary yoga's most recognizable elders many former and long-time students have come forward to verify the statements made in these handwritten notes.

Portions of the journals have been leaked on various online discussion boards. An online avatar, named Wiki-Guru, claiming to be a 20-year veteran of ashtanga yoga, posted the following extracts from the late guru's diaries.

"I bring the 'Yo' to 'Yoga.' None of these haters know how to please a 'yogi-gina.' My lingam can unlock those granthis tied up in all of dem yonis."

Apparently, Mr. Jois' term for female yogis was a play on words indicating vagina in the last two syllables of his take on yogini ('yogi-gina').

The guru further added, "I place dem yogi-ginas with their ankles behind their ears, like Shiva bending Shakti. Then I peal back the lotus petals of their goddess portals and shove my siddhi powered lingam into the yoni-verse until the amritananda (blissful nectar) bursts. The only thing I want after that is savasana."

And his response to all the 'haters' out there who questioned the integrity and necessity of his rough and often inappropriate adjustments in his yoga classes, he wrote, "These asuras (demons) don't know shit. I can only assume they got vamana sized lingams. I'll shakti-pat those moola bhanda boyees with my vajrayudha, then eviscerate their sushumnas with my sudarshan chakra."

Jois went on to say, "One hair from my linga patch is a potential virabhadra, dem haters better watch out... I ain't no Buddha."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

God is an Obese Woman Who Likes to Give 'Free' Hugs

Amma, the Hugging Saint, is in the middle of her annual U.S. tour where she blesses us with her divine presence. Ammachi, Mata Amritanandamayi (her official title), is an incarnation of God on earth. She bestows her grace upon us with her touch, offering free hugs to anyone willing to stand in line to be met with her open embrace.

As one devotee stated, "Amma is the divine mother. When I am in her arms I feel just like a child, a baby being held in the arms of her mamma."

Another student of the Hugging Saint added, "Life can be difficult, sometimes it's just nice to let go and be scooped up into the arms of God. In that moment of embrace everything falls away and I am carried to another time and place. In this state I no longer have to carry the weight of my responsibilities, I can surrender them in totality to the Divine. I no longer need to think, God, from then on, does it for me."

Amma’s devotees talk to dolls made in her image that are sold on Amma retreats. They tell the doll their problems, seek its comfort, and listen in their minds for its advice.

Amma calls the devotees her children, and clucks syllables like baby talk into their ears in her trademark ritual of lining people up, watching them kneel before her and then embracing them.

As one Beverly Hills psychologist said, mascara and tears streaming down her cheeks after being embraced, "Amma told me, she is my mother and that she hears my prayers... and she was telling the truth. Amma doesn't charge for her darshan (being in her presence) just as a mother would not charge an infant for breast milk..."

Amma makes an estimated three million dollars in her annual 7-week tours of the U.S., through donations and sales of items like her toothbrush, fragments of a garment she has sat on, Amma dolls, Amma posters and books by devotees extolling her divinity. These funds go towards supplying God's human incarnation with the necessary amenities to recreate heaven on earth. As the bible says, "as above, so below."

Cynics have questioned the influence the Hugging Saint has over her followers, and the tendency of long-term devotees to psychologically regress to an infantile state. In this regard, many theologians and scholars have come to her defense, stating: "We are all God's children. Amma is the mother archetype. Why would we not become babes in her arms?"

Even avowed atheists have come around to seeing the truth. Richard Dawkins gushed, after experiencing Amma for the first time, "I never knew God existed, let alone that God is an obese woman who likes to give 'free' hugs!"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Am: The Hunger Cure

When you know yourself you don't need anything, everything you want is right there. It is an illusion to believe that anything you need is outside of yourself. You are the ultimate author of your experience. Any thing that is wrong in your life is simply a product of your thoughts.

Such is the wisdom of the New Age. Deepak Chopra, a prominent self-help guru, has announced his solution to the problem of hunger in developing countries around the world.

Quoted in a recent interview Mr. Chopra said, "These starving kids around the globe only need to change the content of their thoughts in order to be fed, both spiritually and physically." Chopra further added, "This is why I have emphasized the need for self-knowledge. It is quite obvious to me that I drive a Mercedes and own homes all over the world because I know that I deserve it. It is because I know myself that I no longer need anything."

In this regard NGOs and governmental programs have adopted a new policy regarding world hunger.

As one volunteer stated, "We now no longer provide aid to these starving people. Instead we run workshops on the power of positive thinking, manifesting abundance, and self-knowledge. In this way, we will go to the root of the problem, which is that starving people are fundamentally retarded in a spiritual sense. Meaning that their external circumstances are a direct manifestation of their internal character."