Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Yahweh Condemns Nocturnal Emissions

Archeologists have uncovered a manuscript written in the hand of God. Near the Dead Sea lies an ancient outpost of God's chosen people. Within a cave near that sacred community fragments of a manuscript were found that matched the handwriting and signature of the authoritative tablets of the Ten Commandments, thereby confirming it to be the singular handwriting of Yahweh father of Christ and Lord of the Jewish people. Paleographers have decoded the ancient Hebrew text and are now calling it the Temple Scroll.

The key fragment that the entire document hangs on are the following verses:

Column 45 Line 8-10: "No m[an] who has a nocturnal emission is to enter any part of My temple until three [com]plete days have passed. He must launder his clothes and bathe on the first day; on the third he must again launder and bathe; then after sunset he may enter the temple. They are not to enter My temple while unclean, for that would defile it."

Line 15-16: "Any man who wishes to purify himself from genital emission must count seven days as a cleansing period. On the seventh day he must launder his clothes and bathe his entire body in running water."

One archeologist commented, "And I thought my mom was strict... obviously Yahweh should see a shrink about reigning in His obsessive compulsive hang ups on purity and cleanliness."

A prominent historian and professor of Mid-East studies at Harvard added, "From this textual example and other pieces of writing attributed to the hand of Yahweh we can rightly assume that He displays homophobic tendencies due to His numerous overt commandments that demonstrate a morbid fear of the bodily juices of other men."

1 comment:

  1. One Scott Hartwig said, "I find myself living fairly close to the wisdom of the scrolls. When I have a nocturnal emission, it's Gym Tan Laundry, Gym Tan Laundry, Gym Tan Laundry for at least 3 days."