Friday, February 18, 2011

Public Service Announcement: Thinking can be Dangerous

Recent studies in quantum physics have shown that our thoughts influence reality. Extended periods of concentrated thought can manipulate circumstances and even, as one quantum physicist has said, "create positive or negative situations in your life." For the first time since the dawn of modern science religious leaders feel justified.

As one Buddhist teacher said, "This is what the Buddha has been saying for over two millennia: Reality is in the mind."

Popular books such as Think and Grow Rich and The Power of Positive Thinking or the now classic film, The Secret, have shown people all over the world how to use techniques consistent with quantum physics to get rich. Cancer patients have utilized these methods to cure themselves of long-term disease. Even high school students have found ways to think their way into higher SAT scores.

The dark side of this landmark discovery is what happens when you engage in negative thought patterns.

Researchers have found that people who die of cancer are extremely negative individuals with very few redeeming qualities. As one geneticist has said, "These people lived poorly. They engaged in negative thought patterns and created this disease in their bodies. In my opinion they deserved what they got."

The homosexual community has had to come to terms with these new scientific findings. The AIDS epidemic of the 1980s, in retrospect, was due to the negativity and low self-esteem inherent to oppressed minorities.

As one tantric yogi commented, "I never use protection and let me tell you I've had sex with whole lot of questionable people. But I keep a positive attitude and because of that I'll never get an STD." When questioned whether or not she has been tested for venereal diseases she responded, "If I were to do that it might make me less confident and therefore vulnerable to getting something icky."

The economic dangers of negative thinking are even more catastrophic. As one economist has pointed out, "Recent studies have shown that the mass poverty, disease, and social inequities of African countries and even Haiti are due to the negative thought patterns created by the human beings living in those countries. We've even found that starving children are capable of thinking themselves out of hunger but fail to do so because they refuse to think thoughts of positive abundance... we have a serious epidemic in these developing countries because people continue to engage in scarcity consciousness."

Due to these shocking discoveries two investigations were launched. The first was a government committee assigned to reevaluate the role citizens of New Orleans played in the creation of Hurricane Katrina. John McCain (head of the committee), after months of deliberation, issued a statement, "The terrible storm was caused by the negative thoughts coming from citizens below the poverty line in that part of the country."

The other investigation was an anthropological study launched in the spring of 2007 to gain a clearer picture of American history. The results, published in the January 2011 issue of the Journal of Anthropology, were startling. As the lead anthropologist on the study said, "If African slaves had been capable of reorienting their thinking they could have been landowners with equal rights even as early as 1800."

In light of these findings, derived from postulations in theoretical physics, job placement services and social programs in the United States have been completely overhauled. Now instead of offering career counseling and job training these institutions are offering classes in positive thinking.

As a preventative measure against the kind of chaos a negative thought can set into motion state certified therapists have been instructed to teach students a new set of language requirements. This neural linguistic programming teaches children positive speech patterns. As one therapist said, "If a child accidentally says something negative we give them a tool that notifies the Universe to delete or ignore that negative statement by the child. This tool is very simple, it's a kind of safety command. If you happen to say something negative immediately repeat, "Cancel Clear to Leave." This lets the Universe know to erase that negative output and clear the slate so to speak."

1 comment:

  1. Amen Thats Offensive!. Or should I say control + option Namaste.

    As a fellow American Manifestationalist, I have to wonder about what kind of thought vibrations got the Savior Jesus Christ nailed up to a cross.