Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jesus Christ Commits Serious Offense to Christians

Jesus of Nazareth was spotted today at Pete's Coffee, in Santa Monica, CA after an intense yoga session. While drinking a half-caff-skinny latte he was caught reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Koran simultaneously. Christians everywhere were outraged at this unforgivable offense. Not only was the "Son of God" participating in "Beelzebub's aerobics" (thereby opening himself up to be possessed by dark forces) while reading passages from the satanic scriptures he was also enjoying an unmanly drink: a half-caff-skinny latte is the definition of being "lukewarm." It is neither a full caffeine drink, nor is it non-fat or full fat milk. One bystander said, "I mean it's not even American... a latte? please? The very least Our Lord and Savior could do is buck up and drink a man's beverage like a straight black coffee." Of course this outrage was due to the fact that the Christ once said, "Be ye hot or be ye could but if ye be lukewarm I spew you from my mouth." Today of course we understand this verse to be an early reference to pornography and the ever ubiquitous "facial" and "mouth-full-of-load" connoisseurs who disdain lukewarm "Jesus-Juice." Other Christians have noted further illustrations of Jesus' 'wishy-washiness" that seems to attend a steady Westside yoga practice due to his pan-religious readings. It seems that the once and future Messiah has yet to make up his mind on what form of satan worship he will choose as his fall down. We are still awaiting comment from Jesus of Nazareth and will keep you informed of further developments on this story.

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