Sunday, February 27, 2011

Brain Science Raises Troubling Questions

Recent advances in brain imaging technology has changed the game, so to speak, for religious leaders hailing from the East. "We now have scientific proof," one ordained Asian minister said, "that Eastern contemplative traditions are not religions. If what we do can be measured by neuroscience then it is fact... not belief."

Brain imaging shows that when people meditate their brains are active. This demonstrates that the brain is being used while they meditate.

This landmark discovery has led to some significant questions. The most prominent one: can other activities be measured and mapped on the brain as well?

One neuroscientist commented, "We're now curious if other activities are marshaled by neurological processes and if they are under the specific jurisdiction of the brain. For instance if I read the newspaper or if I pick up a plastic cup for a drink of water... is that activity governed by the brain and if so can we measure it just like we did with people meditating? I mean, are all human processes and actions governed by the brain?"

Another prominent brain scientist further stated, "Before this brain research on Asian monks was conducted most of us never questioned whether or not taking out the trash or eating macaroni was a matter of belief or if indeed we were actually doing something that involved the brain."

One religious studies major at the University of Chicago has presented even more troubling questions, "I mean can these machines show that when I look at something there's a part of my brain that is mapping the image? Or that my brain even plays any role in my sensory perception? Or in my thought processes? Because that'd be cool." When this college student's professors failed to respond the budding religious studies scholar further queried, "I mean if I were to pray, like a Catholic would pray not like the non-religious Buddhist prays, would that too show up in my brain scan? If I prayed to Jesus could it be shown that my brain was active while I was praying... that the brain was being used in prayer? If so does that mean that Catholicism isn't a religion either?"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

In 2000 years

Religious scholars have confirmed that in the year 4000 CE Michael Jackson will inspire a religious cult claiming him as the Messiah.

As one Harvard professor stated, "The pop albums of the late MJ will be considered as religious revelation, all but replacing the New Testament entirely."

Many wonder if Madonna will take on a kind of Mary Magdalene-esque iconography, to which experts have replied, "ahh... probably not..."

Note: MJK stands for "Michael Jackson Krishna" due to the pan-religious nature of future generations.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Academics say Wikipedia is Unfair

Academics are taking a hardline position on Wikipedia citing that, "Easy access to information on the internet is yet another troublesome demonstration of the decline of Western culture."

As one Professor in the English Department at the University of Chicago said, "It's unfair if some kid from the projects can, in five seconds, have access to information that took me eight years in grad school to acquire... I mean Wikipedia has to contain incredible inaccuracies by the very fact that it makes information so available."

Other academics have taken a moral stance on the issue by stating, "Knowledge should be difficult to acquire. If at a keystroke you can access any and all of human knowledge then there's the possibility that people will not respect experts in the field any more. Besides Wikipedia is cutting into our territory and that means a lot of academics might be out of a job... outsourced to some independent intellectual writing for free on Wikipedia."

A professor of political science at Cornell further commented on the issue of accuracy by stating, "The very fact that Wikipedia has an online community that critiques and corrects their entries is troublesome... not only does it bear a remarkable resemblance to the peer review process academics rely upon for accuracy but the people reviewing this material might not be constrained by issues of bureaucracy, tenure seeking, and the politics of academia that university professors like myself are consistently burdened by. This could result in truly independent thought, which is simply unfair to those of us who've earned the right to be intellectuals by spending years in classrooms being told what to think."

Many believe that what's at stake is far greater than merely leveling the playing field. One Harvard English professor commented, "It's as simple as this: the clearly and concisely written articles on Wikipedia ipso facto reveal the mendacious and specious nature of the ostensible authority of those presuming to be authorities. It assumes a priori understanding within common human beings who have yet to be properly educated in dense, over-written, abstractions that are the very bread and butter of academia. In effect, if what you're reading is not written in incoherent academese then it must follow that Wikipedia is patently false. For knowledge and truth should, by all means, be shrouded in language that obscures that very knowledge."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Man Boobs Not Fit for TV

Parents across the country are outraged with the mass proliferation on the internet and television of chubby male breasts. As one PTA member stated, "If they were lean muscly chests on the bodies of taut young guys that'd be totally okay with us. But since these often older and definitely overweight man-breasts resemble female anatomy it's all too easy for these images to act as surrogate pornography for young men and boys."

One local pre-adolescent boy tearfully admitted to "sometimes using an awesome google image" for masturbatory purposes knowing full well the homoerotic implications.

The head of the Parental Guidance board stated, "Not only do images of man-boobs provide a slippery slope towards degenerate gay pornography but it has created a subculture that finds the image of "bitch-tits" humorous, thereby making it all the more difficult for us to authoritatively take action on this issue."

(Gay "Bears" have yet to comment on the controversy)

Universe is "Slacking Off"

It is pretty much a scientific fact by now that when you want something the entire Universe conspires to help you get it. The key to engaging the power of the Universe in your life is dependent upon deciphering the signposts that guide you to your destiny.

A significant number of Americans have declared that the Universe "just isn't coming through for them anymore."

As one man, a resident of Palo Alto California, said, "I keep on trying to find out what the Universe wants to tell me... but I don't hear anything. Then I put my power of intention out there and I don't get anything back. I mean is the Universe playing hooky?"

Many Americans have been complaining about a sudden rise in parking tickets. As one author stated, "The Universe doesn't seem to be conspiring to help me get my way anymore," after receiving ten parking tickets outside his favorite Starbucks.

One woman, a life coach based in Santa Monica California, has a different explanation, "I think the Universe has been mixing up signals. Normally, following the signs of the Universe is easy and reliable... ten years ago you almost never ran into any problems. Just the other day I was driving and then got onto the wrong freeway. Then I said, "Universe, what do you want me to get out of this... what do you want me to see?" and I kept on driving trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to learn. I ended up in an unfamiliar town and kept asking, "Universe, do you want me to go to Dunkin Donuts? Or that Coffee Bean over there?" and then it hit me. The Universe wanted me to see a movie. At the theater I kept on asking the Universe which movie I should see, which film had the message I needed to hear. The thing is I ended up seeing the wrong movie... in my opinion the Universe is getting up there in years and may be going a little senile... we should take that into consideration."

Friday, February 18, 2011

What's on Your Tongue Affects Your Life

Studies have found that negative speech, which utilizes phrases like "I can't" or "I need," cripples individual and human progress. In light of this research high schools and universities are now instructing young people in the mechanics of positive speech or as therapists call it Neural Linguistic Programming.

Hospitals around the country have adopted these methods in the emergency admittance ward. One ER doctor commented, "When I get a patient in here who says, "I can't feel my legs," or "I need help" the first thing I do is tell them that they have to erase the words "need" and "help" from their vocabulary. That type of language is weak and makes the patient a victim. Even saying "I will get better" won't do the trick. You have to say, "I am well. I am vibrantly healthy." Only that type of linguistic affirmation will work. When patients utilize positive speech there is no need for medical treatment. You'd be surprised by how effective this is... When cancer patients successfully utilize the tools of positive speech they immediately go into recovery."

Legislation has changed in the workforce as well. Complaints are officially not recognized by the human resource departments in corporations anymore, resulting in higher annual profit yields.

A local congressman stated, "Sometimes we get guys in here who say, "In this economy I can't find a job no matter how hard I try" or "My family needs better healthcare." And you just know right off what the problem is... it's their negative speech patterns. If they were to simply adopt a new way of speaking, where only positive things were coming out of their mouths, their lives would be markedly different."

Rich Kid Confirms Findings in Quantum Physics

Local rich kid, Richie Rich, confirmed what quantum physicists have long believed to be true: your thoughts determine your reality.

In a press conference today the rich kid made a statement regarding how he got that big pile of money, "I've been a very positive person my whole life and I've been rich my whole life. How can the two not be connected?"

Sociological research indicates that people living below the poverty line demonstrate clear signs of depression. One social researcher commented, "Statistically speaking if you're poor you're depressed, which proves that your thoughts create your reality. Poor people are simply victims of their own minds."

Elections Threatened by Self-Fellating Yogi

The upcoming Presidential election is under threat of irrelevance due to recent findings in quantum physics. As one Santa Monica, CA, based urban priestess/integral/somatic psychologist stated "All that exists are your own thoughts... the specific story/narrative you are choosing to tell yourself... you are manifesting your own reality each and every moment. When someone else comes into your life it is solely due to your own creative powers."

A prominent chiropractor further commented, "There is no foolproof method of verifying if anything exists outside of your own mind. Studies suggest that you might be the figment of my imagination. Conversely I may be a figment of your imagination."

If what these theoretical mathematical equations postulate (in quantum physics) happen to have real world relevance then all attempts at social, economic, and governmental change are now not only futile but utterly useless.

This has gained even more traction as the elections draw closer due to a recent discovery by researchers at MIT. Their official report states, "We have reason to believe that we are all figments in the imagination/masturbatory fantasies of some trust fund kid living in Santa Monica, CA, slumming it as a raw foodist yogi... in fact we have reason to believe he is self-fellating at this very moment.. this is even more troubling since this report itself is an imagining/meta moment in the narrative arc this rich kid is dreaming up."

Millions of jobless Americans now know who to blame for their financial woes... but as research suggests, none of it is real anyways...

Public Service Announcement: Thinking can be Dangerous

Recent studies in quantum physics have shown that our thoughts influence reality. Extended periods of concentrated thought can manipulate circumstances and even, as one quantum physicist has said, "create positive or negative situations in your life." For the first time since the dawn of modern science religious leaders feel justified.

As one Buddhist teacher said, "This is what the Buddha has been saying for over two millennia: Reality is in the mind."

Popular books such as Think and Grow Rich and The Power of Positive Thinking or the now classic film, The Secret, have shown people all over the world how to use techniques consistent with quantum physics to get rich. Cancer patients have utilized these methods to cure themselves of long-term disease. Even high school students have found ways to think their way into higher SAT scores.

The dark side of this landmark discovery is what happens when you engage in negative thought patterns.

Researchers have found that people who die of cancer are extremely negative individuals with very few redeeming qualities. As one geneticist has said, "These people lived poorly. They engaged in negative thought patterns and created this disease in their bodies. In my opinion they deserved what they got."

The homosexual community has had to come to terms with these new scientific findings. The AIDS epidemic of the 1980s, in retrospect, was due to the negativity and low self-esteem inherent to oppressed minorities.

As one tantric yogi commented, "I never use protection and let me tell you I've had sex with whole lot of questionable people. But I keep a positive attitude and because of that I'll never get an STD." When questioned whether or not she has been tested for venereal diseases she responded, "If I were to do that it might make me less confident and therefore vulnerable to getting something icky."

The economic dangers of negative thinking are even more catastrophic. As one economist has pointed out, "Recent studies have shown that the mass poverty, disease, and social inequities of African countries and even Haiti are due to the negative thought patterns created by the human beings living in those countries. We've even found that starving children are capable of thinking themselves out of hunger but fail to do so because they refuse to think thoughts of positive abundance... we have a serious epidemic in these developing countries because people continue to engage in scarcity consciousness."

Due to these shocking discoveries two investigations were launched. The first was a government committee assigned to reevaluate the role citizens of New Orleans played in the creation of Hurricane Katrina. John McCain (head of the committee), after months of deliberation, issued a statement, "The terrible storm was caused by the negative thoughts coming from citizens below the poverty line in that part of the country."

The other investigation was an anthropological study launched in the spring of 2007 to gain a clearer picture of American history. The results, published in the January 2011 issue of the Journal of Anthropology, were startling. As the lead anthropologist on the study said, "If African slaves had been capable of reorienting their thinking they could have been landowners with equal rights even as early as 1800."

In light of these findings, derived from postulations in theoretical physics, job placement services and social programs in the United States have been completely overhauled. Now instead of offering career counseling and job training these institutions are offering classes in positive thinking.

As a preventative measure against the kind of chaos a negative thought can set into motion state certified therapists have been instructed to teach students a new set of language requirements. This neural linguistic programming teaches children positive speech patterns. As one therapist said, "If a child accidentally says something negative we give them a tool that notifies the Universe to delete or ignore that negative statement by the child. This tool is very simple, it's a kind of safety command. If you happen to say something negative immediately repeat, "Cancel Clear to Leave." This lets the Universe know to erase that negative output and clear the slate so to speak."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Middle Finger No Longer PC

Feminists are outraged over the male-dominant patriarchal body-language of "flipping someone off." For centuries giving someone the "middle-finger" has been a symbol of saying "up yours" or "fuck you" but that is about to change. One Professor of Gender studies at Cal State said, "The middle finger is a phallic symbol. Why is it if I want to tell someone to go to hell I have to make the sign of a penis in order to do it effectively?"

In response to this conundrum Feminists around the country have organized a campaign to promote a vaginal symbol for "dissing another human being." As a prominent feminist leader said, "A symbol that clearly says, 'I'm raping you with my Vagina daddyfucker!'"

The Vagina that Speaks

Recent studies have shown that the human body has stories to tell. We all know that tight shoulders may be a message that you're working too hard, or that hypertension is related to stress and anxiety, and that a bad back is often caused by repressed anger. What Harvard researchers are finding is what Freud and New Age healers have been saying all along: the body holds repressed trauma and through pain and malfunction it is trying to tell you something. Once you decode the message and allow the body to speak and reveal that trauma the pain and dysfunction cease.

The United States Court has now taken this evidence into account and has sanctioned the use of victims' body parts to give testimony in legal proceedings. As one State Psychologist said, "The victim may have buried the memory because it would be too traumatic to relive the assault but the body remembers... the body always remembers... this biological memory is what we will use in court."

It has now become so common that we hear a whole list of new complaints from state prosecutors. As one lawyer, Craig Abrams, said, "The thing I hate most is when I encounter an obstinate vagina on the stand. It just clams up and I know that not a single thing I try to do makes its way in there... just stubborn... its lips sealed."

It has been found that body parts are now speaking to each other. On this note Mr. Abrams further commented, "When I meet an obstinate vagina on the stand my penis starts telling a story and that can hurt the prosecution."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Trailer Park Residents Forced to be Black

Trailer park residents were court ordered to "spend a day in another man's shoes" but found that they began to be prejudiced against themselves, along with an increased appetite for watermelons.

One park resident said, "It's bad enough that I have to be on welfare just like them but to have to look down at my skin and see that I'm covered in darkness just makes me have low self-esteem. I feel like I'm no better than them."

Local new age Christians, yogis, and meditators were outraged and appealed to the court on behalf of the now self-hating trailerparkers with a statement saying, "In order to love anyone else, let alone overcome prejudice, one has to love themselves first... How can these bigots ever come to love people of other races if they're now hating themselves?"

According to one yogi, "I love me, therefore I love you. If I don't love me first I can't love you."

Religious leaders have jointly put out a statement, "We used to teach that change came through understanding and seeing things from other people's perspective. Now we know that change can only occur through making people feel better about themselves. If Hitler were alive today any criticism would only damage his fragile sense of self-worth... the only way to do any good would be to help make him feel better about his own decisions."

George Bush commented, "If I were to apologize and admit wrong that'd just make me not like myself, and damage my own self-esteem... so I'm not sorry for anything I've done... I mean a guy can't spend is life beating himself up... who wants to go around taking responsibility for shit... you know?"

Oral Sex: The Cure for What Ails You

Tantric authority, Guruji, has declared that the West can only be saved from its rampant materialism through oral sex. In his effort to correct the sexual disorders incurred through technology and the spiritual vacuum of modern life Guruji has selected American born Messiahs to convert the West as a kind of reverse spiritual colonization.

These messengers of tantric love are trained in linga and yoni pujas (fellatio and cunnilingus respectively) and are instructed to perform these sacred ceremonies on as many sexually deviant Westerners as the laws of time and space allow.

In a letter to one such tantric messiah Guruji wrote, "I hope you can heal many thousands of people through linga puja (fellatio) and therefore make the world a better place." He further added, "Of course, you'll do this for money... otherwise it will cheapen the sacredness of the ritual. People must pay so they value the service and don't feel any emotional obligation to you."

A Harvard professor who once worked with Kinsey commented, "Finally somebody is doing something about this... I mean all I see all over the news and pop media is anal and vaginal sex... when will America learn the therapeutic value of oral pleasure? At the very least for our children's sake... we have to think seven generations ahead. And training an army of paid professional seems like the only way to avoid social disaster... at the moment we're facing a crisis where people have sex free of charge and are forming unhealthy emotional bonds."

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Finger Gymnastics Proven to Activate "Big Mind"

In a landmark study conducted by Harvard researcher, Mike Hawkkitches, it has been discovered that by manipulating the shapes of the phalanges (the "finger bones") one can induce altered states of consciousness. Brain scans have shown marked activity in the frontal parietal lobes of the brain among adepts of yoga mudras (the practice of contorting the fingers into geometric designs) when they twist their fingers into the shapes of the human genital organs. Research suggests that over extended periods of practice the human brain settles into a global state of bliss (alpha waves) or as one adept put it, "one-mindedness." Researchers are now in talks with the national, state, and local school boards to actively encourage children in the school yard to engage in the "four-handed-look-at-the-vagina" game. In cancer wards across the country and in group therapy sessions Americans have now adopted this form of finger gymnastics in order to improve the health of the brain and, as some believe, cultivate Enlightened Consciousness.

One Harvard professor commented, "Who knew that making your hands into the shape of a penis or a vagina could turn you into the Buddha?"

Sacred Geometry Discovered in Natural Formations

Prominent Guru, Sri Amritananda of Vishakapatnam, discovered a huge geological find in the hill country outside of Vizag, India. Two naturally occurring hills have been confirmed to exactly match the physiological dimensions of human mammary glands or as one yogi described them, "big old mamma titties."

This confirms the ancient Vedic assumption that the earth is the Mother. As a sign of devotion many devout tantric practitioners have offered innumerable "Pearl Necklaces" to the sacred geological formations.

In other related news a rock has been uncovered that perfectly matches the male human sexual organ. As a sign of religious devotion and adoration many tantric acolytes have been rubbing clarified butter onto the religious totem with their hands, thereby signifying a deep respect for the generative power of the sacred male.

Yahweh Condemns Nocturnal Emissions

Archeologists have uncovered a manuscript written in the hand of God. Near the Dead Sea lies an ancient outpost of God's chosen people. Within a cave near that sacred community fragments of a manuscript were found that matched the handwriting and signature of the authoritative tablets of the Ten Commandments, thereby confirming it to be the singular handwriting of Yahweh father of Christ and Lord of the Jewish people. Paleographers have decoded the ancient Hebrew text and are now calling it the Temple Scroll.

The key fragment that the entire document hangs on are the following verses:

Column 45 Line 8-10: "No m[an] who has a nocturnal emission is to enter any part of My temple until three [com]plete days have passed. He must launder his clothes and bathe on the first day; on the third he must again launder and bathe; then after sunset he may enter the temple. They are not to enter My temple while unclean, for that would defile it."

Line 15-16: "Any man who wishes to purify himself from genital emission must count seven days as a cleansing period. On the seventh day he must launder his clothes and bathe his entire body in running water."

One archeologist commented, "And I thought my mom was strict... obviously Yahweh should see a shrink about reigning in His obsessive compulsive hang ups on purity and cleanliness."

A prominent historian and professor of Mid-East studies at Harvard added, "From this textual example and other pieces of writing attributed to the hand of Yahweh we can rightly assume that He displays homophobic tendencies due to His numerous overt commandments that demonstrate a morbid fear of the bodily juices of other men."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Guru Guide to Low Calorie Eating

Famous Indian Guru Sri Amritananda was outraged by a visiting Westerner at his ashram who commented on the high cholesterol contained in most Indian fried foods. In reply Guruji said, "If a person wants to eat some fried pakodi and he should not eat fried stuff, what does he do? If this person eats away some fried Pakodis and goes back in time to the state, in which he was there before eating pakodis and erases his pakodi eating experience and comes back to the present, would it help him? By this, he eats pakodis and still be able to be in the state of no-pakodis-eating-whatsoever. Slight time management does the trick," he continued his mouth full of pakodi, "If one is so fond of eating pakodis and still likes to remain unaffected, he can experience the above two states continuously by being in a loop, the Pakodi Loop."

Everyone at the ashram was deeply edified by this highly scientific conversation. Guruji had once again put everyone in "let me think more deeply" mode. Since this incident quantum physicists have begun to do research on the "Pakodi Loop" and believe that time travel may be possible for people capable of contorting their fingers into geometric shapes. Neuroscientists at Harvard medical school have also begun to do research on the effects of long-term Pakodi eating in conjunction with "Pakodi Looping" on the human brain.

Xena Rapes Hindu Culture

The popular television show Xena Warrior Princess wrote Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god, into the fictional plotline of an episode outraging Hindus around the world. One local man said, "Who would win in a fight: Superman, Batman, or Hanuman?" This reporter responded, "I don't know." To which the man replied, "Hanuman! Are you kidding me? Hanuman would win because he's real! Superman and Batman are myths..." thereby settling the matter forever. Another commentator added, "What would you think if we made a movie about Moses or your Jesus? How would you feel?" To which network execs sent out a memo with a link to imdb

Local man, Shyam Dodge, has pasted his face on the body of the revered Hindu god Vishnu as part of a publicity stunt to promote his salacious and provocatively titled book Wet Hot and Wild American Yogi. Mikehawkitches said "Shyam did you get on drugs none of your book is accurate?"in a comment posted on one of the book's many online venues. Another reader, Lynn Lombardi, a longtime friend of the author's family wrote, "The heartbreaking thing appears to be the author's own willingness to rake his family over the coals of his own self importance. For what-to sell books???" in a scathing review posted on the book's retail site. The press material claims that the author is "[an] incarnation of a Hindu god • California Guru • former lifelong monk • and now failed divinity" in a bold attempt to claim absolute authority as a living god in human form.

Jesus Christ Commits Serious Offense to Christians

Jesus of Nazareth was spotted today at Pete's Coffee, in Santa Monica, CA after an intense yoga session. While drinking a half-caff-skinny latte he was caught reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Koran simultaneously. Christians everywhere were outraged at this unforgivable offense. Not only was the "Son of God" participating in "Beelzebub's aerobics" (thereby opening himself up to be possessed by dark forces) while reading passages from the satanic scriptures he was also enjoying an unmanly drink: a half-caff-skinny latte is the definition of being "lukewarm." It is neither a full caffeine drink, nor is it non-fat or full fat milk. One bystander said, "I mean it's not even American... a latte? please? The very least Our Lord and Savior could do is buck up and drink a man's beverage like a straight black coffee." Of course this outrage was due to the fact that the Christ once said, "Be ye hot or be ye could but if ye be lukewarm I spew you from my mouth." Today of course we understand this verse to be an early reference to pornography and the ever ubiquitous "facial" and "mouth-full-of-load" connoisseurs who disdain lukewarm "Jesus-Juice." Other Christians have noted further illustrations of Jesus' 'wishy-washiness" that seems to attend a steady Westside yoga practice due to his pan-religious readings. It seems that the once and future Messiah has yet to make up his mind on what form of satan worship he will choose as his fall down. We are still awaiting comment from Jesus of Nazareth and will keep you informed of further developments on this story.