Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Aliens leave Signs of Vagina Worship

Strange formations, that were once believed to be natural, have been found to have extraterrestrial origins. SETI (a scientific institute that "Searches for Extraterrestrial Intelligence") released a statement confirming the findings on Monday June 27.

A SETI researcher stated at a press conference in Roswell, New Mexico, "It is clear that there is not only definitive evidence that alien life exists but that these galactic beings are intelligent and, even more astoundingly, are goddess worshippers. Anthropologists have long believed that before the priests, before the brahmins, before the structures built by men was the vagina. It is not hard to fathom that our much more ancient and wise galactic cousins would themselves be worshippers of the yoni... and may have even planted the seeds for our own human traditions of goddess adulation."

The larger implications of this discovery have been enumerated by tantric yogis the world over. As one tantrika stated, "It is clear that these "yoni crop circles" are ancient, thereby solidifying the celestial origin of the vagina as not only a pre-historic reality but also an inter-galactic portal for awakening."

Sex guru, David Deida, released a statement saying, "In modern times we know that a longing to worship a "cave with lips" is not born from a regressive impulse to return to a state of pre-consciousness but is actually a longing to enter the portal of awakening... the male longs to unite with his source. Alien consciousness would be much more in tune with this absolute truth than they're much more primitive cousins, i.e. us."

In the words of Susan B. Anthony, "If the world was ruled by human beings longing to enter the sacred vagina we would have no war, no famine, no more corrupt governments. We would be free of strife and conflict. It is precisely because we are a culture that does not value vaginal penetration that we are in the mess we are in."

Christians have championed this discovery stating, "Anal sex has come to predominate the popular consciousness. Christ is speaking through these vaginal formations to declare the importance of traditional marriage." Even tantrikas have come on board with this message. The famed tantric master, Guruji, wrote in an email to the Boston Globe, "the goddess disdains anal sex."

Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton said in a formal address, "We must respond appropriately to our wise elder cousins of the universe. If we had a culture that positioned the vagina as the motivation for young men to make money, contribute rap music, art, and buy expensive things our economy would immediately recover. If sentient beings strived to achieve great things in pursuit of the yoni the world would not only be a better place, all conflict would cease and we would enter a state of utopia."

President Barrack Obama said in response, "The yoni is our doorway to a more perfect union. Jai Ma!"

Monday, June 20, 2011

Pattabhi Jois was a Yogi Pimp!

In Mysore, India, students of the late yoga master, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, discovered his private journals. The Ashtanga Yoga Institute plans on posthumously publishing these notes, accrued over the guru's lifetime, in early spring of next year.

Along with B.K.S. Iyengar, Mr. Jois, formed the cornerstone of American yoga practice. It is for this reason that these journals, discovered after the guru's death, have proven so controversial.

Amidst these posthumous revelations about the private life of one of contemporary yoga's most recognizable elders many former and long-time students have come forward to verify the statements made in these handwritten notes.

Portions of the journals have been leaked on various online discussion boards. An online avatar, named Wiki-Guru, claiming to be a 20-year veteran of ashtanga yoga, posted the following extracts from the late guru's diaries.

"I bring the 'Yo' to 'Yoga.' None of these haters know how to please a 'yogi-gina.' My lingam can unlock those granthis tied up in all of dem yonis."

Apparently, Mr. Jois' term for female yogis was a play on words indicating vagina in the last two syllables of his take on yogini ('yogi-gina').

The guru further added, "I place dem yogi-ginas with their ankles behind their ears, like Shiva bending Shakti. Then I peal back the lotus petals of their goddess portals and shove my siddhi powered lingam into the yoni-verse until the amritananda (blissful nectar) bursts. The only thing I want after that is savasana."

And his response to all the 'haters' out there who questioned the integrity and necessity of his rough and often inappropriate adjustments in his yoga classes, he wrote, "These asuras (demons) don't know shit. I can only assume they got vamana sized lingams. I'll shakti-pat those moola bhanda boyees with my vajrayudha, then eviscerate their sushumnas with my sudarshan chakra."

Jois went on to say, "One hair from my linga patch is a potential virabhadra, dem haters better watch out... I ain't no Buddha."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

God is an Obese Woman Who Likes to Give 'Free' Hugs

Amma, the Hugging Saint, is in the middle of her annual U.S. tour where she blesses us with her divine presence. Ammachi, Mata Amritanandamayi (her official title), is an incarnation of God on earth. She bestows her grace upon us with her touch, offering free hugs to anyone willing to stand in line to be met with her open embrace.

As one devotee stated, "Amma is the divine mother. When I am in her arms I feel just like a child, a baby being held in the arms of her mamma."

Another student of the Hugging Saint added, "Life can be difficult, sometimes it's just nice to let go and be scooped up into the arms of God. In that moment of embrace everything falls away and I am carried to another time and place. In this state I no longer have to carry the weight of my responsibilities, I can surrender them in totality to the Divine. I no longer need to think, God, from then on, does it for me."

Amma’s devotees talk to dolls made in her image that are sold on Amma retreats. They tell the doll their problems, seek its comfort, and listen in their minds for its advice.

Amma calls the devotees her children, and clucks syllables like baby talk into their ears in her trademark ritual of lining people up, watching them kneel before her and then embracing them.

As one Beverly Hills psychologist said, mascara and tears streaming down her cheeks after being embraced, "Amma told me, she is my mother and that she hears my prayers... and she was telling the truth. Amma doesn't charge for her darshan (being in her presence) just as a mother would not charge an infant for breast milk..."

Amma makes an estimated three million dollars in her annual 7-week tours of the U.S., through donations and sales of items like her toothbrush, fragments of a garment she has sat on, Amma dolls, Amma posters and books by devotees extolling her divinity. These funds go towards supplying God's human incarnation with the necessary amenities to recreate heaven on earth. As the bible says, "as above, so below."

Cynics have questioned the influence the Hugging Saint has over her followers, and the tendency of long-term devotees to psychologically regress to an infantile state. In this regard, many theologians and scholars have come to her defense, stating: "We are all God's children. Amma is the mother archetype. Why would we not become babes in her arms?"

Even avowed atheists have come around to seeing the truth. Richard Dawkins gushed, after experiencing Amma for the first time, "I never knew God existed, let alone that God is an obese woman who likes to give 'free' hugs!"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Am: The Hunger Cure

When you know yourself you don't need anything, everything you want is right there. It is an illusion to believe that anything you need is outside of yourself. You are the ultimate author of your experience. Any thing that is wrong in your life is simply a product of your thoughts.

Such is the wisdom of the New Age. Deepak Chopra, a prominent self-help guru, has announced his solution to the problem of hunger in developing countries around the world.

Quoted in a recent interview Mr. Chopra said, "These starving kids around the globe only need to change the content of their thoughts in order to be fed, both spiritually and physically." Chopra further added, "This is why I have emphasized the need for self-knowledge. It is quite obvious to me that I drive a Mercedes and own homes all over the world because I know that I deserve it. It is because I know myself that I no longer need anything."

In this regard NGOs and governmental programs have adopted a new policy regarding world hunger.

As one volunteer stated, "We now no longer provide aid to these starving people. Instead we run workshops on the power of positive thinking, manifesting abundance, and self-knowledge. In this way, we will go to the root of the problem, which is that starving people are fundamentally retarded in a spiritual sense. Meaning that their external circumstances are a direct manifestation of their internal character."

Monday, April 18, 2011

LBGT Community Outraged

Local Lesbian teenager forced by school to cooperate with State mandated safe sex workshop. This teenage gender-bender stated, "If I never plan on touching a penis, why do I have to learn how to use a condom?"

Friday, April 1, 2011

Simulacra part II: It's a Yoni-verse

Goddess worshippers across the globe are rejoicing with the sudden appearance of a living-breathing-vagina in the woods of North Idaho. For many, this sacred cleft, in the body of an indigenous tree, is a sign of the re-emergence of the Goddess archetype in the world. As one urban goddess stated, "We have been living in a world of God... God did this... God said that... and the feminine, the woman, has been sorely neglected. The vagina has been suffering under patriarchal systems of control for too long. This yoni, this sacred womb, bursting forth from nature Herself is a clear sign that Ma (the divine mother) is staking her vaginal claim on the world once again."

As one tantric master stated, "I wouldn't be surprised if we saw more of these sprouting up all over North America as the earth gears up for the massive shift of 2012. 2012 will be a turn back to the feminine, back to nature and the mother, bringing peace to the world once again. All women are goddesses and as these yoni-silas (naturally occurring incarnations of the divine) are discovered more women will come to see that their own vaginas are in fact Goddess incarnate as well."

The only fear these Goddess worshippers have is that local teenage boys might try to insert their penises into the tree's vagina, due to horniness and sexual repression.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Rewritten History

Landmark Forum (and other New Age systems for reprogramming the psychological structures of desperate human beings) promotes the concept that reality is simply a story we are telling ourselves. If you want your life to change, tell a different story. Stop being a victim of trauma and realize that you chose every moment of past suffering just as you are choosing your life circumstances at this moment. You can literally rewrite your past and therefore no longer be the "victim character" in your personal narrative (such as the molested kid) but someone who chose to suffer and now is choosing to be a winner.

This outlook has proven incredibly useful to Holocaust deniers, who are simply seeking to empower Jews. As one deeply compassionate fringe historian stated, "If Jews are capable of rewriting their own history then a lot of deep healing can occur. They must realize that they are not the victims of historical atrocities but simply a people that chose self-euthanization. In this way they can move forward in life with a clean slate."

It has also been found that the African American community continues to perpetuate a "cultural identity of victimhood." Alternative interpretations of history can prove quite useful in this situation. If African Americans can rewrite their history from an oppressed people to unpaid interns who chose their fate, then a new cultural identity can emerge.

An American History Professor at Bob Jones Bible College commented, "The ancestors of African Americans chose to come as passengers in the hulls of European ships to the New World. They then chose to work the cotton and tobacco fields in return for simple rations and the occasional rough sexual encounter (it's been proven that this is how they like it) or beating. They were not kidnapped nor forced into slave labor. If the African American community can realize this fact they can re-empower their cultural identity and pull themselves out of this economic and social slump."

A psychologist at Alaska Bible College stated, "If historically oppressed communities acknowledge the traumas enacted upon them and then seek to heal and integrate that history into their cultural narrative it can badly damage the social perception of white Americans. Studies show that we can simply re-hardwire memory to suit our needs. I believe that this is the best course of action for African Americans."

It has also proven to be useful for trauma victims who are playing out life-narratives that no longer serve them.

As one woman stated, "I was raped five years ago. For the longest time I felt like a victim. Then I went to Landmark and they helped me change my story. They made me realize that I chose to be raped. Why else would I have worn a low-cut dress that night with high heels and lipstick? Realizing that I manifested this reality into my life has been deeply empowering. I am not a victim but a woman who chose rough non-consensual sex. Now, all I have to worry about is constructing positive narratives for the rest of my life. I am in control of everything that happens to me!"

As one New Age leader said, "We must become active authors of our own reality. History is not fact, it is a story. The only reality is what we create through the power of storytelling. Likewise, whatever happened to you in the past only exists in the story you tell about it. Become a better, more positive, author and your life will be a grand delusion of your own making."

Monday, March 28, 2011

Simulacra: Shiva Lingam Manifests in Sea Vegetable

Devout tantric yogis across the globe are rejoicing over the divine manifestation of Shiva's engorged penis in a sea vegetable. As one tantric devotee stated, "Here in America, up until recently, the divine was only willing to show itself in images of the Christian faith, which is nice and all but can be a little puritanical. As a worshipper of the sexual energy inherent within all things I've been waiting to see a religious image of a genital organ manifest itself on a piece of toast or as a shimmering mirage underneath a tree somewhere. I never expected to find it in the ocean!"

The religious symbol is being held at the city aquarium where devout tantrikas are flocking to it in the thousands.

As one security guard at the aquarium said, "I've never seen so many people get excited over a mushroom tip."

Dr. Guspacho, a psychologist at Temple University, stated, "This is a unique phenomenon for the West. Usually examples of religious pareidolia have to do with the Virgin Mary or Jesus. I wouldn't be surprised if we see this happening more as yoga and other Asian religious traditions grow in popularity here in the West."

It seems that Dr. Guspacho was correct as more and more religious findings are being reported by local grocery stores.

As one grocer commented, "You'd be surprised by how many things look like genitals in the produce section of a market. The inside of figs. Cucumbers. Carrots. Mushrooms. Cashews. Bananas. Hell practically everything in here looks either like a cock or a vagina!"

Even more miraculous is that people are discovering that in their crotch region is a divine manifestation of Shiva-Shakti.

One tantrika stated, "I was going to the bathroom and then I had the most profound spiritual revelation... God was staring right back at me from the area of my pubic bone. I started worshipping instantly and then God anointed me with the ambrosia of heavenly nectar... it shot right up into my face and from that day onward I knew that inside my pants was the incarnation of the divine."

Palin Part 2: Controversy Continues

Scientists are predicting a multitude of catastrophe scenarios in regards to former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's vagina. Tea Party members are adamant that Palin's genital organ is not a safety hazard.

As one tea bagger stated, "Why is it that liberals are engaging in this rampant discrimination? How did having vaginal confidence suddenly become vaginal hubris? By this measure Hilary Clinton would be the San Andreas Fault of looming vaginal catastrophes."

In response one liberal official offered the following rebuttal, "Hilary's vagina is by definition obstinate and is in no way corrupted by the kind of hubris that Palin's twat is prone to. The comparison is simply ridiculous, they are by no means equivalent. This is just another sign that the tea baggers have no firm reasoning behind their endorsement of Palin's meat curtains."

As one political philosopher stated, "How can people still be claiming that Palin's beeve isn't massively gigantic? How can there be such a wholesale denial of the fact that her vagina is a public safety hazard, which might actually swallow all of North America within its clammy grasp?"

Friday, March 18, 2011

Sarah Palin's Vagina ideal for Caving

Experts have conferred to determine why former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has such a ginormous vagina. Some have compared
Palin's vaginal cave to the grand canyon, others are adamant that such a comparison is an exaggeration.

As one republican senator stated in her defense, "Her vagina is no bigger than Aretha Franklin's or any other woman of stature, such as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O'Donnell."

While more moderate republican officials admit, "She's pretty damn big down there. It's no accident she's a Christian, her genitals are biblical in their proportions."

Fox News insists, "Former Governor Palin's pelvic area is well within the normative range for a woman of large Nordic descent." While Glenn Beck has been drawing complex diagrams on his weekly show to demonstrate the non-linear math behind her "hairy clam."

The biology lab at UC Davis in conjunction with geographers from Cal State have released a joint statement, "The reason Sarah Palin's beeve is so large is due to big family breeding and the Alaskan climate. After popping out half a dozen meat-head kids while in middle age, compounded by her teen pregnancy, can make any woman's vagina the dream cave dive for extreme spelunkers."

Rumors are circulating that Dick Cheney may be the reason why Palin's crotch area could "swallow a Buick." As one insider commented, "Cheney's pretty damn big down there, and well you know... as they say a woman's only way into politics is on her back. I mean they fucked. If that's what you're asking."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Secret Wins Nobel Prize

Headline news all over the world today is The Secret's nab of the Nobel Prize in Physics. Once viewed as a self-help film directed towards gullible Americans, based upon pseudo-science, it is now the darling of Stockholm.

As one physicist gushed, "My wife has given me Esther Hicks as my fantasy freebie. If I see that gorgeously mannish woman I will do my best to have that one night of carnal ecstasy... I mean as they say, 'follow your bliss.'"

To which his wife added, "Well, as we all know, if he wants it he gets it... it's the law of the universe."

"Yup," said Stephen Hawkings, "The law of attraction is the most powerful force in the Universe. Esther Hicks, Deepak Chopra, and Wayne Dyer have forever changed the face of contemporary physics. I've had to reevaluate all of my previous research in light of The Secret and the Abraham/Hicks monumental book Law of Attraction/Ask and it is Given."

Other physicists have even bigger questions. One scientist worried, "What keeps me up at night is the knowledge that any little kid can dream up a monster or a dinosaur... some kid from the Bronx could manifest Godzilla or King Kong.... which would essentially end all life on earth."

Another scientist added, "Even worse still... what if that kid manifested an earthquake or an asteroid that would destroy planet earth? This is the reason why I try to counteract all negativity and doomsday events with powerful positive thoughts each and every day..."

MIT and other venerable institutions have set up around the clock positive intention groups to avert natural disasters, while Homeland Security has issued 24hr meditation groups at each airport terminal.

In a more positive light, the World Health Organization has now stopped all medical care in developing countries, opting for new translations of The Secret to be sent in lieu of doctors and nurse practitioners.

New Age/Republican Alliance

Dick Cheney announced his endorsement of New Age philosophy citing its, "admirable moral outlook and positive influence on young people."
Esther Hicks and Wayne Dyer were commended for their efforts to promote "character building" and for their demonstration of the power intentions have in creating reality.

Political philosophers once thought that the signifying difference between contemporary American conservatives and liberals were their diverging beliefs on how change occurs. Conservatives held that success and failure were due to the moral fiber of individuals, i.e. someone was poor due to being lazy, someone was rich due to being hardworking, and sought to instill traditional values as a tonic for social ills.

Liberals, on the other hand, maintained that social realities played a more significant role in personal and cultural success. Historically oppressed communities did not have the resources to economically better themselves, due to a legacy of oppression. In this view, value judgments on the relative character of individuals played a much smaller role compared to social structures. For instance an African American woman in the 1960s was not poor due to being lazy or because she felt entitled to government subsidies/welfare, she was poor due to a long cultural history of black oppression in America--that she personally was not originally responsible for her economic condition. The solution, offered by liberals, was to institute social programs for cultural change and economic intervention.

Essentially, conservatives blamed internal factors for an individual's life circumstances (it was a person's attitude that created their current situation), whereas liberals held that external realities played a larger role in a person's life circumstances. This was due to liberals adhering to scientific methodologies and explanations, while conservatives sought to uphold religious values.

New Age philosophy and quantum physics have now finally proven that the conservatives were right all along. Intentions, attitude, and thoughts are what create our reality, thereby overturning centuries of scientific evidence.

As one new age bookstore owner said, "Quantum physics has now effectively proven that our thoughts directly shape our reality. The circumstances of our life are solely the product of our thoughts. Because of these findings, most of us would agree that someone is sick because of their negative thoughts patterns/mental attitude, likewise someone is healthy because they are a positive and kind person."

His wife, a spiritual financial adviser, added, "Even more importantly, someone is wealthy because of their positive attitude and willingness to embrace abundance. And someone who is poor is simply suffering the results of their own negative thought patterns. Everything is a product of our own thoughts. It's really very simple: we create our reality everyday. And let me be clear, New Age concepts are not simply a convenient philosophy for the self-obsessed with emotional issues. It is simply how things are... I mean the Reverend Michael Beckwith is black."

John, a Shamanic healer perusing the new age bookstore's selection of crystals, commented, "Poor minorities, especially single mothers, should stop being so freakin lazy and start manifesting abundance through the power of their intentions. There are no victims, each person is solely responsible for the circumstances of their life... I mean, once my parents died I noticed a huge shift in my general attitude, the very next day an inheritance check arrived. Coincidence? I doubt it. My trust fund was a direct result of my thoughts."

A republican congressman, that we interviewed in New York, said, "I find it interesting that the new age movement was born out of liberal ideals of cultural and spiritual freedom, but through aggressive and exploitive marketing in the self-help sector, have now ironically adopted the political and philosophical stance of conservative republicans. A contributing factor might be that new age philosophy, just like traditional religion, is blind to the psychological underpinnings of wishful thinking and reality denial. This is an unprecedented boon, families that once worried about the future of America can rest easy, Deepak Chopra is taking care of our young."

A recent announcement on Friday signaled the completion of this philosophical merger. Deepak Chopra and Dick Cheney are writing a book on The 7 Laws of Success, which will be published this fall 2011, by NewHarbinger.

One insider commented, "Where do you think all the 2012 stuff came from? Out of thin air? It was concocted and fed to us by Evangelical Republicans to stir up more attention for the oncoming Rapture."

Friday, March 11, 2011

Tsunami proves Astrology was right all along

As Uranus entered Aries on Friday March 11th (Ninth wave was on Wednesday) an 8.9 earthquake hit Japan. The planets moved and the earth experienced a shift in the tectonic plates. This demonstrates that a 5000 year tradition has been effectively determining causation in all fields of human, geological and event horizons on planet Gaia (earth). Scientists, somehow failing to understand how earthquakes happen, have simply resigned themselves to attempting to predict future quakes through seismology and studying the shifting of tectonic plates on the different layered shelves of the earth.

As one Astrologer said, "Our ancestors weren't just painting kids cartoons that mapped out future events...their map was based on the planets and stars."

Another Astrologer added, "While in the past there has never been a tsunami when Uranus entered Aries on the 11th day of the month, this event is not merely correlation but causation. If both a tsunami and an astrological event happened at around the same time then the two have to be connected. Obviously the movement of Uranus caused this to happen."

A colleague of the two astrologers, a yoga teacher in Silverlake, said, "Astrology stakes its claim on its predictive power... although not a single astrologer predicted this tsunami we are taking ownership of the event, for it serves as proof that astrology is a science of the planetary bodies. According to us, who never saw this coming, we were right."

Dave an Irish-American convert to Shamanic healing further stated, "This failure to predict the tsunami is not the fault of astrologers practicing in the community. Most astrologers spent their time reading the financial and romantic lives of self-obsessed narcissistic people into the stars, and simply missed this oncoming event due to being distracted by who Sue or Jane might end up marrying once Mercury slips out of retrograde."

Furthermore, we know from reliable resources like Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, and Esther Hicks that the causation of reality is our thoughts. Many have asked in the wake of this tragedy, "How and why did this happen?" The answer is simple: the Japanese have incurred this terrible tragedy upon themselves. The Stars were simply responding to the negative thought patterns emanating as a conglomerated mass of conscious garbage produced by the residents of the islands of Japan. In turn the stars exerted influence upon the shifting plates of the earth and caused a quake. This is simple math derived from the science of New Age Astrology. The Japanese did this to themselves. It's so simple, duh!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

In life you have 2 options: you can either be an Egomaniac or Depressed

According to Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Everyone chooses one of two roads in life: GREATNESS or MEDIOCRITY. The choice is yours, and you are making that choice every day," which doesn't put undue pressure on anybody, it's simply a fact of life.

One woman, who has watched The Secret and read many books on manifesting abundance, commented, "Each and every day I ask myself, 'are ya gonna be a winner today or a loser?' Because I know that the only way for my life to have any meaning or even to be worth living is if I achieve greatness. This is what the Buddha and what Jesus taught after all... isn't it?"

Recent studies have shown that if you're not winning everyday in your life you are a mediocre human being. As one life coach said, "Your thoughts have not been self-affirming enough. You gotta put more pressure on yourself to achieve and think positive thoughts, which we all know is easy when so much is at stake and when it's clear that so far you've been a loser who can't seem to think the right thoughts and are therefore single-handedly condemning yourself to a life of mediocrity."

Furthermore, these studies have proven that books like Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell are simply inaccurate. Gladwell claims that no single person becomes successful by their efforts alone, no matter how smart, talented or well-meaning. Success, according to charlatans like Mr. Gladwell, is a communal effort that requires social programs to enact change. In this model of thinking, underprivileged communities require a vast network of educational and literacy programs, job training, and subsidized funding to achieve results. This way of thinking is simply a losers mentality.

Other money-grubbing charlatans claim that what cow-fed Americans need is not more get rich seminars on "creating abundance" but to simply learn to be okay with what is, and maybe even practice having less rather than always seeking more. Except we all know that in life you either get to be a narcissistic asshole driving a red convertible or a depressed loser. Greatness and Mediocrity are the only two choices any of us have in this life.

For example, when we interviewed a few of the top winning self-help gurus we found out that not a single one of them had achieved wealth until they started exploiting other people through books and seminars. To which we say, "Deal with it. They're winners. If you're not winning then you're a sad sack of shit."

Friday, March 4, 2011

Modern Science proven to be just another Story

New Age believers, joining the postmodernist movement of the 1970s, have openly challenged the absolutist agenda of modern science. More importantly, the very factuality of the scientific method is being called into question.

As one new age yogi commented, "Modern science is just another story that human beings made up to explain the world to themselves. It's all relative to where you're standing. I hate all of this dogma that's based upon logic--a logic that is biased and incomplete. It only speaks to the linear Western way of thinking."

A chiropractor working out of a clinic in Oakland, CA, further elucidated the core issue, "We're all thankful for penicillin and vaccines and heart surgery and brain science and x-rays but in reality we just don't need it. That type of medicine only works if you're culturally a Westerner. Try curing disease in other cultures and countries with modern medicine... what you'll end up with is a bunch of people who are not being helped. That's because they're living under a different operating system. The native medicine of these cultures, usually consisting of mud potions, is what works for them. It's all relative. And many Americans today are simply not buying into the Western dogma and therefore we're in need of other types of medicine."

His wife, a neural linguistic speech therapist, added, "Quantum physics is proving this today, that the world doesn't follow the rules of logic. Logic is just a story we're telling ourselves about the world. For instance, according to quantum mechanics, when I stand here I'm simultaneously here and everywhere all at once. This is what the Eastern traditions have been teaching all along. This proves that modern science was wrong and that the Eastern approach was a more accurate description of reality."

When asked if quantum physics wasn't itself a product of Western logic and is being developed under Western logical models and processes, she replied, "Within my framework of thinking I can denounce modern science and then three minutes later bring in evidence from modern science to prove my own point. These types of contradictions in my logic just goes to prove the insufficiency of Western Logic to account for how I personally think."

Is Charlie Sheen a Bodhisattva?

Recent studies have shown that positive speech (neural linguistic programming) and thoughts of positive abundance are the most significant indicators of Enlightenment.

The landmark documentary film The Secret and the revealed texts delivered to us by Abraham/Hicks have taught us that thinking and believing in yourself as a winner, no matter what the circumstances of your life are, is the road to success both spiritually and financially.

The symptom of an enlightened being is the indefatigable belief in one's own power to exert unlimited influence upon the world and one's own life circumstances. This will not only manifest in material things but in the attitude of the person.

Charlie Sheen has not only cured himself of addiction with the power of his mind alone but is one of the most wealthy human beings on the planet. Too add to this immense success he possesses an unstoppable belief in the power of his intention and personality. He is, by his own a definition, a winner. His own narrative about himself never falters or slips into negativity. No matter what he always affirms his own potency and immense agency to achieve what his heart and mind desires.

These qualities suggest that Charlie Sheen may in fact be a living Buddha.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

2012: The Shift Is Upon Us

The Mayan calendar tells us that a major event is looming in the next year-and-a-half. Many speculate that it accurately predicts the end of all things, including human life on planet earth. Others believe that it signifies the dawning of a radical evolution in human consciousness.

We've seen similar predictions made by End Times apocalyptic Christian groups, Jehovah Witnesses who claim a coming Aquarian age where lions will cavort with lambs, and Millenarianist factions throughout the history of Western culture.

We interviewed an American Shaman of anglo saxon descent (originally hailing from Chatsworth, CA) to define the difference between these New Age millenarian predictions and those predictions that have failed in the past. He said, quite eloquently, "Duh... it's Mayan. Those predictions that failed were based upon Revelations in the bible... this shit is scientific because it comes from Mayan culture."

When we interviewed an actual descendent of the Mayan culture, he said, "The calendar ends... who knows what it means? My ancestors used to do human sacrifices... I have no idea why they did that either." Which we've taken to mean that this particular Mayan was being very cryptic, like all Shamans, and it's best if we read a deeper meaning in his simple words.

Spirituality: A New Vision for Humankind

The statement "I'm spiritual but not religious" has become ever more ubiquitous as more Americans abandon absolutist forms of religious practice. As one spiritual advocate said, "I just got tired of all the judgmentalism going on... where this one idea took supremacy over all other ideas. In dogmatic religion you're forced to accept that God is the source of all things and that we must appeal to this higher authority. In spiritual systems of thought it is the Universe that governs over all things. This simple semantic translation has made a world of difference for me."

As one American Shaman stated, "The main difference between religion and spirituality is that religion twists facts to support supposed divine revelations contained in scripture. Whereas spirituality reinterprets scientific findings in order to validate claims made in channelled texts."

Another spiritual person stated, "I just don't like how judgmental organized religions can be... I mean they believe that people deserve bad things due to sinful actions. The concept of karma is just so much more liberating. Bad things happen to people because of their previous actions... it's just bad karma... we all get what we deserve. It's descriptive rather than prescriptive."

When asked about the concept of heaven and hell one New Age bookstore owner responded, "The Judeo-Christian concepts of Heaven and Hell just sound so harsh and uncompassionate... I mean, in the Eastern system, if you act badly in this life you just have to undergo five-hundred-thousand births as a maggot in stool as a natural (equal and opposite) reaction to your actions... it's not punitive punishment--it's Newton's third law of motion--which is so much more in alignment with the real spiritual and loving teachings of Christ, Krishna, and the Buddha."

In response to the question of free will one yogi answered, 'If you are in this moment, what you require appears....cosmic nature. If it doesn't appear, it's because you're running around looking for it!"

When asked about impoverished communities and the world hunger problem the yogi replied, "Also a good viewpoint. Simply a lens on the "what is." I am certain that the starving are sadly paying for lifetimes of negative thought patterns and harmful actions towards others. So for those of us who are in this enlightened state of consciousness it is important to help these people clear their karma. Past life regressive therapy has shown that children who are molested are simply paying the karmic debt for having molested other children in previous lives. So this isn't some absolutist religious concept but scientific fact.... no dogma here. It's basic Newtonian physics."

This serves as further proof that dogmatic religious systems only came into existence in the West. Due to this astonishing fact Asian philosophy has begun to take over on university campuses and in almost every social sphere.

Feminists are rejoicing over the wide acceptance of Eastern contemplative traditions here in America. The patriarchial heirarchy that dominates Western religions never came into prominence in the East. The exclusive male heirarchy of Tibetan Buddhism, Yoga, and Hindu Vedanta are in fact not the products of male patriarchy but are simply the result of reincarnation and karma. In the Eastern mode of thought after many lifetimes of spiritual effort one may have the opportunity to take the superior and highly revered birth as a high caste male. This is, once again, another signal that Western culture was the only social organism to create religious belief systems in order to maintain social heirarchies.

As one urban priestess stated, "Reincarnation eliminates all social problems since everyone gets a chance at some point to be born as a king."

She went on to say, "More importantly, these Asian traditions, unlike Judeo-Christian traditions, offer an accurate description of the universe and of human life. So it is not absolutist dogma--it is the TRUTH. It's an exciting time to be living in. This movement away from religion towards spirituality is a promising sign of human evolution at work!"